Saturday, November 20, 2010

#6: Tears for America 2.0

So this weeks blog is going to be super long because I'm going to start off by pasting a blog I wrote on MySpace on July 8th 2008 in its entirety which is super long in itself. It reads as follows:

Let me start off by telling you about a little movie called "Idiocracy", in case you haven't seen it. "Ididocracy" is a movie that was made by Mike Judge, creator of "Bevis and Butt-Head", "King of the Hill", and the writer/director of the cult classic "Office Space". "Idiocracy" is slowly turning into a cult classic within itself. It stars Luke Wilson and Maya Rudolph of "Saturday Night Live" fame (whom by the way the song "Loving You" is written about, that's a little tidbit of knowledge that is stuck in my head for all eternity that I felt should be stuck in yours as well, enjoy). In "Idiocracy" Luke Wilson plays the world's most average soldier. He is selected by the military (along with Maya who is deemed the most average woman) to be put into cryogenic freeze. Because of budget cut-backs, the project is scrapped and what was supposed to be a 1 year cryo freeze ends up being a 500 year cryo freeze. That is very much like the pilot episode of "Futurama". However, where as "Futurama" paints a picture of a utopian future, "Idoicracy" paints a picture that I fear, may not be to far off. Due to the fact that the smart people of the world take their time to reproduce so that they can become successful, and some don't even at all, intelligence slowly dies off. On the other hand since the red neckish trailer trash of the world spreads their seed like Fabio is endorsing it (Anyone? Anyone at all), the average IQ of the nation has dropped. That's as far as I'll tell you about because really, you should watch it. It's entertaining and it makes you think.

So why do I bring this up? Well it's simple, that movie has everyone being pretty stupid in 500 years. I believe that it will actually be far less then that. What is it that occurred today that made me believe that? Well, at work during lunch someone was watching a movie in one of the rooms that I never had any desire to see. I sat down and watched it for about 10 minutes, and I seriously felt a small piece of my soul die. Let the longest set up in blog history now come to an end as I tell you that movie was.....Epic Movie.

Now let me set the record straight and say that I by no means hate parody movies. My most favorite movie of all time is a parody movie, "Spaceballs". Mel Brooks has made a multitude of fantastic parody movies from "Blazing Saddles" to "Robin Hood: Men in Tights". (I stop there and don't count "Dracula: Dead and Loving it" because, well, people that excel at their professions tend to make mistakes every now and then). In the 70's and 80's the Zucker brothers and Jim Abrahams put their spin on the parody movie by creating the comedy classics "Airplane!" and the "Naked Gun" series. Unfortunately they also made Leslie Nielson shoehorn himself into a career that has resulted in, well there's no better word, crap. In the 90's the Wayans brothers took their turn at the parody movie making "Scary Movie". At the time I really enjoyed it. It's really funny. A few years later "Not Another Teen Movie" came out which I also enjoyed. Little did I know that this was the beginning of a plague that was going to descend upon us as a nation.

Over the next few years "Scary Movie" 2, 3, and 4 came out. Next was "Date Movie". Followed by "Epic Movie", "Meet the Spartans", and then "Superhero Movie".
When "Epic Movie" came out, it would seem like these movies were being made in such a short time that it didn't make sense how they could make them, "spoofing" movies that had just come out.

Case in point, "Epic Movie" came out on January 26th, 2007. It "spoofs" "Superman Returns" which came out on June 28th, 2006. That's 7 months later. As absurd as that is, "Borat", which was also "spoofed", came out on November 3rd, 2006. That's 3 months. How could they "spoof" something that came out only 3 months earlier? Simple, they "spoofed" a scene they saw in the trailer.

Now, why do I keep putting "spoof" in quotes? Well because a spoof is "a mocking imitation of someone or something, usually light and good-humored; lampoon or parody" ( These aren't imitations. They're direct quotes and scenes ripped from movies, with 1 or 2 words changed.

So why do these movies keep getting made? Well it's quite simple. "Epic Movie" was made for $20,000,000 (Estimated). It made $39,737,645. "Meet the Spartans" was made for $30,000,000 (estimated). It made $38,232,624. "Superhero Movie" was made for 35,000,000 (estimated). Thank God it only made $25,815,447.

What's next? Well, someone today mentioned they saw the trailer for "Disaster Move". When I got home I looked it up on YouTube. After the 1 minute and 30 seconds of the trailer, I was so full of venom and spite that I had to spew it out onto the internet pages of my MySpace blog. The trailer for "Disaster Movie" basically shows in about 6 different scenes, someone dressed as Iron Man getting crushed by a cow, someone dressed like Hannah Montana getting crushed by a boulder, someone dressed like the Hulk having his pants blow away, the princess from "Enchanted" getting hit by a car , and someone dressed like Hancock flying and hitting his head on a lamp post. Then there is some sort of bizarre "Sex and the City", "Juno", "Don't Mess with the Zohan" hybrid "spoof" that just makes as much sense as the American people saying, "You know who I can't get enough of, that Steve-O guy" (which by the way I'll never understand).

Here's where it all ties together. If you watch the movie "Idiocracy", there's a scene were you see Dax Shepard's character is watching a show called "Ow! My Balls". This is a show where a guy basically keeps getting hit in the balls over and over in extreme fantastical ways. The trailer for "Diaster Movie" is basically nothing more then, "Ow! My Balls". So really, Mike Judge may think that "Idiocracy" is 500 years off. I say, if "Disaster Movie" ends up not losing at the very least $15,000,000, then it's about 10 years away.

Ok, back to 2010. So what happened? "Disaster Movie" was made for $25,000,000 (estimated). It ended up making $14,190,901. This was such a disaster (pun intended) that the 2 guys responsible for all of these atrocities didn't get to make another movie...Until this year.

On August 18th 2010, their latest movie came out, "Vampires Suck". Going after the popularity of the "Twilight" movies and the popularity of hating the "Twilight" movies, it would appear they had the perfect idea. Which it turns out they did. People went to see it because they wanted to see what they hate so much decimated, and the "Twi-hards" went to see it because it still had cute emo vampire and werewolf boys. What did they get when they saw it? Nothing but dissappointment. How do I know this? Well, it's really quite simple. On "Vampires Suck" has a 5% from critics, and from the 50,000+ audience members who rated it, it is at a 37%. But all of this doesn't matter.

You see, because of one simple fact. "Vampires Suck" was made for $20,000,000 (estimated). It made $36,658,108. That's right, it made a profit. It was even the #2 movie the week it came out, behind "The Expendables". This just means that they will now get to continue making these things. However that's not the most painful thing about all of this.

The same week this movie came out, so did the exceptionally superior "Scott Pilgrim Vs. the World". How can I make a claim that it is superior? Well it's simple, on it has a critics rating of 81% and an audience rating of 86% with 72,000+ votes. Meanwhile, that movie was made for $60,000,000 (estimated) and only made $31,494,270. This is how I know that America is getting stupider.

What do you think the average American thinks when they see "The Jersey Shore" or "Keeping up with the Kardasians" or "Rock of Love" or any of the countless reality shows that are populated with the most moronic, unintelligent wastes of human flesh that have ever crawled out of a back alley bar and in front of a camera? Do they think like we do and just look at them for the simpleton parasites that they are? No, they look at them and think, "I want to be them!" They look at the girls on "16 and Pregnant" and think having a baby as a teenager will make them famous. They think being stupid and outrageous will make them millions of dollars, and unfortunately, there's a good chance they're right.

But now here's the real kicker. I feel that I have an above average intelligence. I feel that I'm smarter then these morons that I see on TV that just disgust me with their unending inane prattle. I feel that I have more mental capacity then the entire cast of "The Jersey Shore" combined. However, what am I doing with it? It's simple, nothing. I'm not becoming a multi-millionaire like "The Situation". I'm sitting in a crappy 1 bedroom apartment in Long Beach, bitching about how stupid Americans are becoming instead of doing something about it. There in lies the problem.

The internet has given the intelligent members of our society a place to go and complain about things that are bothering them. A place where they can go and vent about how stupid these morons are that our dominating our movie goers and TV stations. But while they sit at there computers and let out all of there angers on the screen in front of them, the very people they're complaining about are out in the world, taking it over. It's time that the intelligent members of our society unplug from the internet, and get out there and take this country back, before it's to late and there's nothing left to save. Or at the very least, get a little fist pumping in at the club.

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