Saturday, November 20, 2010

#6: Tears for America 2.0

So this weeks blog is going to be super long because I'm going to start off by pasting a blog I wrote on MySpace on July 8th 2008 in its entirety which is super long in itself. It reads as follows:

Let me start off by telling you about a little movie called "Idiocracy", in case you haven't seen it. "Ididocracy" is a movie that was made by Mike Judge, creator of "Bevis and Butt-Head", "King of the Hill", and the writer/director of the cult classic "Office Space". "Idiocracy" is slowly turning into a cult classic within itself. It stars Luke Wilson and Maya Rudolph of "Saturday Night Live" fame (whom by the way the song "Loving You" is written about, that's a little tidbit of knowledge that is stuck in my head for all eternity that I felt should be stuck in yours as well, enjoy). In "Idiocracy" Luke Wilson plays the world's most average soldier. He is selected by the military (along with Maya who is deemed the most average woman) to be put into cryogenic freeze. Because of budget cut-backs, the project is scrapped and what was supposed to be a 1 year cryo freeze ends up being a 500 year cryo freeze. That is very much like the pilot episode of "Futurama". However, where as "Futurama" paints a picture of a utopian future, "Idoicracy" paints a picture that I fear, may not be to far off. Due to the fact that the smart people of the world take their time to reproduce so that they can become successful, and some don't even at all, intelligence slowly dies off. On the other hand since the red neckish trailer trash of the world spreads their seed like Fabio is endorsing it (Anyone? Anyone at all), the average IQ of the nation has dropped. That's as far as I'll tell you about because really, you should watch it. It's entertaining and it makes you think.

So why do I bring this up? Well it's simple, that movie has everyone being pretty stupid in 500 years. I believe that it will actually be far less then that. What is it that occurred today that made me believe that? Well, at work during lunch someone was watching a movie in one of the rooms that I never had any desire to see. I sat down and watched it for about 10 minutes, and I seriously felt a small piece of my soul die. Let the longest set up in blog history now come to an end as I tell you that movie was.....Epic Movie.

Now let me set the record straight and say that I by no means hate parody movies. My most favorite movie of all time is a parody movie, "Spaceballs". Mel Brooks has made a multitude of fantastic parody movies from "Blazing Saddles" to "Robin Hood: Men in Tights". (I stop there and don't count "Dracula: Dead and Loving it" because, well, people that excel at their professions tend to make mistakes every now and then). In the 70's and 80's the Zucker brothers and Jim Abrahams put their spin on the parody movie by creating the comedy classics "Airplane!" and the "Naked Gun" series. Unfortunately they also made Leslie Nielson shoehorn himself into a career that has resulted in, well there's no better word, crap. In the 90's the Wayans brothers took their turn at the parody movie making "Scary Movie". At the time I really enjoyed it. It's really funny. A few years later "Not Another Teen Movie" came out which I also enjoyed. Little did I know that this was the beginning of a plague that was going to descend upon us as a nation.

Over the next few years "Scary Movie" 2, 3, and 4 came out. Next was "Date Movie". Followed by "Epic Movie", "Meet the Spartans", and then "Superhero Movie".
When "Epic Movie" came out, it would seem like these movies were being made in such a short time that it didn't make sense how they could make them, "spoofing" movies that had just come out.

Case in point, "Epic Movie" came out on January 26th, 2007. It "spoofs" "Superman Returns" which came out on June 28th, 2006. That's 7 months later. As absurd as that is, "Borat", which was also "spoofed", came out on November 3rd, 2006. That's 3 months. How could they "spoof" something that came out only 3 months earlier? Simple, they "spoofed" a scene they saw in the trailer.

Now, why do I keep putting "spoof" in quotes? Well because a spoof is "a mocking imitation of someone or something, usually light and good-humored; lampoon or parody" ( These aren't imitations. They're direct quotes and scenes ripped from movies, with 1 or 2 words changed.

So why do these movies keep getting made? Well it's quite simple. "Epic Movie" was made for $20,000,000 (Estimated). It made $39,737,645. "Meet the Spartans" was made for $30,000,000 (estimated). It made $38,232,624. "Superhero Movie" was made for 35,000,000 (estimated). Thank God it only made $25,815,447.

What's next? Well, someone today mentioned they saw the trailer for "Disaster Move". When I got home I looked it up on YouTube. After the 1 minute and 30 seconds of the trailer, I was so full of venom and spite that I had to spew it out onto the internet pages of my MySpace blog. The trailer for "Disaster Movie" basically shows in about 6 different scenes, someone dressed as Iron Man getting crushed by a cow, someone dressed like Hannah Montana getting crushed by a boulder, someone dressed like the Hulk having his pants blow away, the princess from "Enchanted" getting hit by a car , and someone dressed like Hancock flying and hitting his head on a lamp post. Then there is some sort of bizarre "Sex and the City", "Juno", "Don't Mess with the Zohan" hybrid "spoof" that just makes as much sense as the American people saying, "You know who I can't get enough of, that Steve-O guy" (which by the way I'll never understand).

Here's where it all ties together. If you watch the movie "Idiocracy", there's a scene were you see Dax Shepard's character is watching a show called "Ow! My Balls". This is a show where a guy basically keeps getting hit in the balls over and over in extreme fantastical ways. The trailer for "Diaster Movie" is basically nothing more then, "Ow! My Balls". So really, Mike Judge may think that "Idiocracy" is 500 years off. I say, if "Disaster Movie" ends up not losing at the very least $15,000,000, then it's about 10 years away.

Ok, back to 2010. So what happened? "Disaster Movie" was made for $25,000,000 (estimated). It ended up making $14,190,901. This was such a disaster (pun intended) that the 2 guys responsible for all of these atrocities didn't get to make another movie...Until this year.

On August 18th 2010, their latest movie came out, "Vampires Suck". Going after the popularity of the "Twilight" movies and the popularity of hating the "Twilight" movies, it would appear they had the perfect idea. Which it turns out they did. People went to see it because they wanted to see what they hate so much decimated, and the "Twi-hards" went to see it because it still had cute emo vampire and werewolf boys. What did they get when they saw it? Nothing but dissappointment. How do I know this? Well, it's really quite simple. On "Vampires Suck" has a 5% from critics, and from the 50,000+ audience members who rated it, it is at a 37%. But all of this doesn't matter.

You see, because of one simple fact. "Vampires Suck" was made for $20,000,000 (estimated). It made $36,658,108. That's right, it made a profit. It was even the #2 movie the week it came out, behind "The Expendables". This just means that they will now get to continue making these things. However that's not the most painful thing about all of this.

The same week this movie came out, so did the exceptionally superior "Scott Pilgrim Vs. the World". How can I make a claim that it is superior? Well it's simple, on it has a critics rating of 81% and an audience rating of 86% with 72,000+ votes. Meanwhile, that movie was made for $60,000,000 (estimated) and only made $31,494,270. This is how I know that America is getting stupider.

What do you think the average American thinks when they see "The Jersey Shore" or "Keeping up with the Kardasians" or "Rock of Love" or any of the countless reality shows that are populated with the most moronic, unintelligent wastes of human flesh that have ever crawled out of a back alley bar and in front of a camera? Do they think like we do and just look at them for the simpleton parasites that they are? No, they look at them and think, "I want to be them!" They look at the girls on "16 and Pregnant" and think having a baby as a teenager will make them famous. They think being stupid and outrageous will make them millions of dollars, and unfortunately, there's a good chance they're right.

But now here's the real kicker. I feel that I have an above average intelligence. I feel that I'm smarter then these morons that I see on TV that just disgust me with their unending inane prattle. I feel that I have more mental capacity then the entire cast of "The Jersey Shore" combined. However, what am I doing with it? It's simple, nothing. I'm not becoming a multi-millionaire like "The Situation". I'm sitting in a crappy 1 bedroom apartment in Long Beach, bitching about how stupid Americans are becoming instead of doing something about it. There in lies the problem.

The internet has given the intelligent members of our society a place to go and complain about things that are bothering them. A place where they can go and vent about how stupid these morons are that our dominating our movie goers and TV stations. But while they sit at there computers and let out all of there angers on the screen in front of them, the very people they're complaining about are out in the world, taking it over. It's time that the intelligent members of our society unplug from the internet, and get out there and take this country back, before it's to late and there's nothing left to save. Or at the very least, get a little fist pumping in at the club.

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

#5: "I am this close to raping you!"

So there is a potent element out there that causes some of the most evil, angry, and just outright horrible things to be said in this world. It will make normally smart individuals lower their brain patterns to that of a neanderthal, and for really no good reason. It will make those that are usually the most sensative of us say things that only a jerk would say. It is one of the most infuriating things we live with today. It is not alcohol, it's much much worse...It's nerd rage.

Nerd rage is one of the most prevalent things on the internet. Whereas 95% of the internet may be porn, the other 5% is, well, it's links to porn. But in the comment sections or forums of said pornternet, that's where the land of the rage filled lives. Nerd rage comes from a place deep in the heart of someone who is a bit of a social outcast. Who likes things that in the outside world have made them that way. They like these things so much that it turns them into shut-ins, and they will fight to the death to defend it. One of the topics that has caused the most instances of nerd rage in the past 30+ year, but most notably in the past 10 years, is Star Wars.

In 1977 George Lucas made Star Wars: A New Hope. He had based the idea on Saturday afternoon serials he had seen when he was a child. He had an idea for a 6 movie saga that would follow the life of a man from childhood, to becoming a hero, to falling and becoming a villain, to eventually redeeming himself. Realizing there was a chance of it failing, he picked the 1 of the 6 that would be best to make, in hopes that some day he'd be able to complete it all. That movie of course went on to be the biggest movie of all time. He then went on to make 2 sequels to it. Children, teenagers, and twenty somethings alike all fell in love with these films. For years and years they worshiped at the alter of Lucas because of the joy he had brought them.

Then in 1997, after his company had made the dinosaurs for Jurassic Park, Lucas felt that digital technology had finally reached the point that his vision had always seen. So to test out if they could do what he envisioned for the prequels, he made the Star Wars Trilogy Special Edition. Using computers he made changes to the original movies so that they would be how he always wanted them to be, but couldn't accomplish with 1970's tech. The most controversial change that he made was in the cantina scene. Greedo, a bounty hunter for Jabba the Hut, sits with Han Solo at his table. They have a conversation and then...the incident. In the original version of the film, Han Solo shoots Greedo and walks out. After 20 years Lucas decided he didn't like having Han Solo murder someone for no reason, feeling it didn't fit with his character. So he made Greedo shoot at Han first. Later on the DVD release, he made Greedo shoot 2 frames sooner then Han.

Now in 1997, I don't recall hearing much about this. I remember seeing it in the theater, and I realized he had added Greedo's shot, but I really didn't think much else of it. Other people, not so much. The nerd rage began with that. Chants of "Han shot first!" rang out over the then early days of the internet. People seemed outraged. How dare he? How dare he change things. As the other 2 special editions came out, there were more changes that enerdraged fans. The added things in those 2 also seemed to not sit well. In Empire Strikes Back he added Luke screaming as he fell from the Darth Vader fight, and in Return of the Jedi he added a dance number in Jabba's Palace and changed the song at the end (all of which I will admit, I'm not a fan of). A majority of people didn't care. But the people who were so in love with Star Wars, it angered them. This is when the early rumblings began.

Then, in 1999, Star Wars episode 1: The Phantom Menace came out. I saw it opening night. For me, from the first shot to the last, it was a Star Wars movie. I loved it. It had everything I like about Star Wars and more. To this day the pod race is my most favorite thing in any Star Wars movie. I always use it to check on my speaker set up when I move to make sure everything is working right. Other people, not so happy. People started the complaints. Suddenly people were finding continuity issues with the original trilogy. Questioning things like why C-3PO never told Luke his father built him, or why Jar Jar had to exist. People seemed to forget there were 2 more movies left that could easily answer all of these questions. Once the other 2 came out, all of the questions were answered, yet still people complained. (In case you're wondering Jar Jar needs to exist because it is due to his gullibility and easiness to control that the Empire even exists. If he were such a simple minded fool, Chancellor Palpatine wouldn't have anyone to suggest in the senate giving him complete control thus creating the empire.)

It was around the time the 3rd of the prequels came out that I first heard one of the worst lines that has ever been said due to nerd rage. "George Lucas raped my childhood!". Anytime I hear someone say that all I can think of is an actual rape victim. They must be thinking, "You know, when I was held down and forcibly sexually assaulted in what was the worst moment of my entire life, something that will haunt me until the day I die, forever changing me and making me never feel safe again, ya I can see how that is exactly the same as you seeing some movies". To me, this is the darkest part of nerd rage, making comparisons to horrible events that actually happen to people in order to complain about pop culture. It's the same as when people compare things to the holocaust and Hitler. It really makes me wonder about just how shut in these otherwise rather intelligent individuals really are that they feel that a statement like that is completely valid.

Then comes my other favorite argument caused by the nerd rage. Once the Revenge of the Sith came out, all I ever heard from people that hate the prequels so much was, "George Lucas is a horrible writer" and "George Lucas doesn't know how to make movies". However the thing that has always confused me about this statement is that, the movies that they're comparing them to that they love so much were written, directed and/or produced by...George Lucas (Yes Irvin Kershner directed Empire Strikes Back, hence "directed and/OR produced"). How is it that he's a horrible film maker and writer when making one set of movies, and a god when making others. Well it's really quite simple.

When most of the people that experience nerd rage towards Star Wars saw the original movies, they were children. They didn't care about writing and directing, they just cared about how cool everything was. X-wings and TIE fighters and Jedi and Lightsabers and Wookies and Droids. It all captured their imagination. Children today that see the prequals love them, you know why, they're children. They're the target audience, just like the originals were. They're the ones that want the toys and the merchandise. They're the ones that have the imagination to be captured. There the ones that the serials that George Lucas saw as a child were aimed at, and it worked then too. People put too much of themselves and claim almost an ownership to things that aren't really theirs. George Lucas owns Star Wars, not the people who watch it. If George Lucas wanted to replace all 6 movies with nothing but CGI and destroy the masters of the movies as they are now, guess what, he can. Like I said, I didn't like Luke yelling as he fell from Darth Vader (which they actually removed from the DVD release) or changing the yub jub song at the end of Return on the Jedi, but I'm not going to attack him for it. Like Bobby Brown says, it's his prerogative.

I'll admit, there's things that I get enerdraged about (that's twice now, I own it!). Take the Spider-Man reboot for example. The producers of the film couldn't come to terms with Sam Raimi on the villain for Spider-Man 4, so they decided instead that they wanted to reboot the franchise. They didn't like that by having a 27 year old Toby Maquire (now 35) they had to take him out of high school quickly because he was to old to play an 17 year old. So they wanted to get a younger actor instead so they could spend more time with the high school days. I could completely understand this seeing as I'm a huge fan of Ultimate Spider-man which for 10 years, has been set in Peter Parker's high school days. Also they need to work him into the new Marvel movie continuity. I was excited for the potential. So then what did they do? They hire 27 year old Andrew Garfield to play Spider-man...Um, what? Isn't that doing exactly what you did before? They have also done the same thing again by hiring a red headed Emma Stone to play the blond Gwen Stacey. They did the same thing when they hired the blond Kirsten Dunst to play the red headed Mary Jane Watson and red head Bryce Dallas Howard to play Gwen Stacey. Yes, all of this makes a little part of me enerdraged, but I don't get to crazy about it. The movie is 2 years away, what am I going to do, stew in my anger until it comes out? No, I'll wait and see how it is. When I first heard Toby Maguire was going to be Spider-man, I wasn't to happy about it. I would have much rather it be Topher Grace. But when Spider-man 1 and 2 came out I loved them. I thought Toby Maguire did a good job. Spider-man 3 not so much, but that was mainly for emo Peter Parker and the what could have been with Topher Grace being there.

Anyway, so what is the point I'm trying to make here? Honestly, I don't know. I guess what I'm really trying to get at is, don't take things that are meant to entertain us so personally. Liking a movie or book or comic or video game is one thing, but to compare it to one of the worst events in human history or a moment when someones life is shattered is so extreme and insensitive.

That being said, next blog I revisit one of my old MySpace blogs, "Tears for America" in which I discuss the horrors that are the "Movie" movies, thereby negating everything I just typed in this blog.

Oh, and if you're wondering where the title of this blog came from, click this link:

Have a good however long it is until I talk to you again.

Monday, November 1, 2010

#4: You live! You die!

So this blog is going to be about something you may not know about me. In 1997 I was in my senior year of High School. I was in the marching band and every year if there was a home football game on Halloween or the weekend of, we would wear our costumes to perform during halftime and throughout the game. I had an old suit of my brothers that was this gray tweed sort of thing that wasn't anything I'd ever wear. I got the idea to dye half of it and go as my favorite comic book villain, Two-Face.

I always have liked Two-Face since the 90's animated series days. He was the district attorney of Gotham City who from an early age had always kept his anger inside, never letting it out. When he grew up, it caused him to develop a second personality that would come out whenever he got pushed to far. Finally one day when trying to get his psychiatric file from a mob boss, he was caught in a chemical explosion which ended up scarring the left side of his face and his left hand. In the original comics and Batman Forever, he had acid thrown in his face in a courtroom. In The Dark Knight, he had half of his face set on fire. This ended up twisting his mind completely, and caused him to start making decisions in a new way. He decided to go with chance. He had carried a lucky two headed silver dollar with him throughout his career. In the comics when he got the acid thrown at him, it scarred one half of the coin. In the cartoon, the explosion did. In the Dark Knight, his fiance had it with her when she died in an explosion, causing half of it to get charred. So he would make all decisions by flipping this coin. The clean side would be the good choice, the scarred side would be the evil choice. He's just such a fascinating character to me because I too tend to bottle up my anger. I haven't developed a separate personality because of it though. I also like the number 2, which is often a theme of the crimes he commits.

Anyway, where was I? Oh right, Halloween. So I went to Michaels craft store to get some fabric dye with my grandmother to dye half the suit. She asked how I planned to do that, and when I said I really wasn't sure, she offered up a better idea. She bought some black fabric and sewed it over half of the suit, which really was no easy task. She almost gave up 10 times while doing it, but knowing how much I wanted it, she did it anyway, thus proving why she was the greatest grandmother ever. I ended up wearing a normal dress shirt and tie, and painted half my face and hair. As the final cap on the costume, I got a silver dollar, and tried to scar the back of it, which is actually very hard to do.

Now here is where we reach the point of the blog. Ever since that night in 1997, I have carried that silver dollar with me every day. I always have it in my pocket when I leave the house. And yes, on multiple occasions I have made decisions with it. It has never been something as drastic as say in The Dark Knight when he's at the bar and he decides rather the guy will live or die. Usually it's in stores when deciding what to purchase if I'm torn between 2 things.

However there was actually about a 2 month period where I didn't carry it. I had gone to Texas to visit my brother and dad. When I got back home I couldn't find it anywhere. I eventually started to carry another one, but one day my brother told me he found it under the couch and sent it back to me. So yes, other then that time, I have carried it for 13 years today.

You may be wondering why I never tried to find an actual double headed silver dollar. Well it's very simple, I have. I went to the only two magic shops I knew of in Colorado (one of which interestingly enough was next door to Casa Bonita for you South Park fans) and they both said they had never seen one before. They had double sided quarters, nickels, dimes and half dollars though. Since then I have checked online multiple times. The only thing I could ever find was a replica set from the Dark Knight. I did end up buying it but it was very disappointing because the coin is obviously fake as it's thicker then a silver dollar, and the "bad" side is just painted black.

By the way, a little side story to my costume thing. In 2002, (which was the worst year of my life, but that's for a blog in February) I was working at a Blockbuster with this girl who was around my age that I had become really friendly with. I would go to this bar with her and her roommate every now and then to help me get my mind off things. As Halloween was getting closer she was telling me that her and her roommate wanted to dress up in a joint costume that was comic or movie related. About a week later she told me they were going to dress like whores. I was all like, "What?!" and she said they decided to go as sugar and spice from Batman Forever, but since they didn't have anyone to be Two-Face, they were just going to be whores. Holy crap, are you kidding me. I explained that I had a Two-Face costume and I'd gladly be their Two-Face. I wanted to beef it up though. So once again, having the greatest grandmother in the world, she sewed together 2 old collard shirts, and covered half of a red clip on tie that I got with black cloth. I then went to the Wizards chest which is the place to go for Halloween in Colorado and got some face makeup and a burned face mask. I really did it up right. So for that Halloween, which I still consider the best one I've had yet, I was a much better Two-Face, with Sugar and Spice by my side.

P.S. (Or again, whatever you call it in a blog) I ended up working a ton of overtime this past month which is why I ended up slacking off on my goal of writing a blog every week. I'm going to make a major effort to get back into a grove and doing it every week now. I've got some good ideas lined up for the next few ones, but as always, I'm taking suggestions for topics if you have any.